Maraming Maraming Salamat, Inay.

Maraming maraming salamat, Inay. Yan ang pinaka-una kong gustong sabihin. Dahil sa pagmamahal,  pag-alaga at pag-intindi sa aming lahat. Lahat kaming mga apo mo ay naalagaan mo. Sabi sa akin nila Mama at Papa, iniwan nila ako sayo noong maliit pa ako. Sobrang sarap siguro talaga ng pag-aasikaso mo, Inay, kaya nung kinukuha na nila ako, ayaw ko na daw sumama sa kanila. Laging bukamibibig ko daw ay “Inay. Gusto ko kay Inay”.

Habang lumalaki kaming magpi-pinsan, doon namin mas naintindihan kung gaano mo kami ka-mahal. Dati naiinis kami pag ginigising mo kami ng ala-sais ng umaga, paano ay puyat kami kaka-videoke . Pero mapapalitan agad yun ng saya kasi pagharap namin sa mesa, nakahanda na ang masasarap na agahan na niluto mo para samin. Madalas pag nagbabakasyon kami sa Quezon, inihahanda mo ang mga paborito namin. Tinadtad, inihaw na tuna, ginataang isda, spaghetti, dinuguan, laing, litsong baboy. Kaya naman nagtatabaan kami palagi tuwing uuwi na kami.

Laging mas higit pa sa hinihiling ang ibinibigay mo. Minsan, simpleng hamburger lang sa Jollibee ang lambing namin sayo. Pero sabi mo, baka magutom kami. Kaya chicken, spaghetti, softdrinks  at burger ang inoorder mo.

Kahit minsan hindi ka naging matipid sa pagmamahal sa amin. Kahit sa iyong mga huling sandali, kami pa rin ang naiisip mo. Hindi ka nagpa-alaga. Natulog ka lang ng mahimbing.

Maligaya kang nakikitang masaya kaming lahat at hindi nahihirapan. Ganyan mo kami ka-mahal.

Nang mawala ka, Inay. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, ang laking bahagi namin ang nawala. Pero ngayong naaalala ko kung gaano mo kami minahal at kung gaano mo ibinigay ang sarili mo sa amin, naisip kong hindi ka naman talaga nawala... At hindi ka kailanman mawawala... Kasi nasa amin kang lahat. Marami kang na-ituro at naipamahagi sa amin na hindi namin makakalimutan.

Pangako, Inay, isasapuso namin ang mga pangaral mo. Mamahalin namin ang isa’t isa kagaya ng pagmamahal mo sa amin. Alam namin babantayan mo kami, Inay. Gagawin naming lahat para sa tuwing sisilipin mo kami mula sa langit, mapapangiti ka.. sasaya.. at lalong magiging proud. :)

Our Wedding SDE

I love our onsite video! Kudos to the Rockin' Videographer, Mr. VJ Matias, for this wonderful SDE. You really are among our best suppliers! ^______^

Mac and Ady | Same Day Edit from VJ Matias on Vimeo.

A Blessing in Disguise

All things really work together for good. 

We were  scheduled to have our pre-nup video with our dear friend, Essie Molina, when mother nature decided to held us hostage in the house. Realizing that it's no longer possible to shoot outdoors, we immediately drafted a Plan B, something that's workable indoors and something that's not going to eat up too much time (since half of our day was already wasted praying for the rain to stop). 

Amidst the heavy rains, we found comfort in the surface of an old blackboard and colored chalks. The video turned out super fun. Thank God for Mac's drawing skills and Essie's mile-long patience, I honestly would not have it any other way.

So without further ado, we proudly present our stop motion save-the-date video.

Love is in the Details

Mac and I have recently discovered the joys of DIY projects. If only we'd have more time, we'd gladly DIY our way into the wedding. Well who could blame us? It's fun, it's budget-friendly, it reflects who we are as a couple.  Plus, it's also an avenue for our errr... "his" creativity and my crazy ideas.. xD 

Since we have always been fascinated with pop ups, we thought of incorporating it into the design which, by the way, is perfect, since our wedding theme is Kids at heart.

So here's our very first DIY, a pop-up save-the-date that doubles as "will you be?" cards:

Oh, I love how Mac would often turn some of my nutty ideas into a work of art! (Proud gf talking. haha!)  

Dreams on a Different Route

(A repost from my old tumblr account. This one's for you, Gala...)

I used to chase dreams with thundering speed. I’d have a goal and drive straight to it without slowing down or changing directions.

As I was about to reach one of my biggest dreams, things happened that eventually made it impractical for me to continue on what seems to be the surest road to my destination. There’s no one to blame though. That’s just life, happening. Now, do “what ifs” torment me..?

Yes, they do. But leaving my car stuck in the mud would never get me anywhere.

And from that particular red light, I have learned the precious secret of detours and sharp turns. A world I’d never be able to experience if i stayed on the shortest route. This road that I am in never guarantees an easy ride but no one can say this is less fulfilling.

I’d still get to my destination. Perhaps not without damaged tires. I might even get lost every now and then. But you know what? That only makes this journey more exciting. I’d get there. I’d manage. :)

Happy Father's Day, Pipaw.. :)

"A father is like a lighthouse standing tall above the sea's. When the storms of life come crashing in, the light from your father you'll see."
~ Dana Roberts Clark

I love you so much, Papa. You really make everything alright.. ^_____^

have always wanted to be one

Old hippies don't die, they just lie low until the laughter stops and their time comes round again..

Just So You Know

Thoughtless words 
..... can open old wounds. 
............ or leave lifetime scars. 

Brain Dominance.. :)

Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz The higher of these two numbers below indicates which side of your brain has dominance in your life.  Realising your right brain/left brain tendancy will help you interact with and to understand others. Left Brain Dominance: (9) Right Brain Dominance: (15) Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz

Happily-ever-afters

My parents make an exceptional example of what marriage should be like. They are the reason why I believe in Happily-ever-afters.. :)

The sweetest couple.. ^______^

Ady's Super Fun Day.. ^______^

Some scenes from my birthday celebration. 

To Mamsie and Paxie, I love you so much! You are the best parents any girl could wish for.. ^______^

To my cousins, Jaysem, Jaja-boom, Mela, Kim, and their partners, Emon, Paul, (and Kaiser? haha!)  thanks for making my birthday super fun! Most especially to Ate Ow, Timan, JunJun and Makto for helping me out with the food preps. 

To Kuya Duds and Ate Hahalyn, for allowing Baby Justin to join us in our pa-morningan party as he is my special visitor.. ;)

To Kuya, Ate Jennel and my pretty baby girls, Atasha and Chacha, you guys completed my day. Or should I say night? Hehe.. ;)

To Ninang and Kuya Boy for the sumptuous Banana Cake and Pansit.

And last but not the least, to Mac, for the cake and the design that says I'm only 21. You, you're the reason why I look 21.. Hihihi.. Mmmwaah!

   

Love you, guys! 'Til our next pa-morningan.. ;)

The Way I Am

"If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
'Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

'Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am."

~~~Ingrid Michaelson lyrics

Fifteen Fictional Characters

The Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen fictional characters (television, films, plays, books, video games) who've influenced you and that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag at least fifteen friends, including me, because I'm interested in seeing what characters my friends choose.

1. Ginoong Vitalis – Remy (iniyakan ko ‘to ng todo)
2. Atticus Finch – To Kill a Mockingbird
3. Elias – Noli Me Tangere
4. Patrick Swayze’s character in Ghost.
5. William Wallace - Braveheart
6. Simba – Lion King
7. Mcgyver
8. Jane Eyre – Jane Eyre
9. Denny Duquette – Grey’s Anatomy
10. Kaoru Kamiya – Samurai X
11. Mulan - Mulan
12. Noah – The Notebook
13. Santa Claus
14. Yamada - Honey and Clover
15. Rick - Casablanca

Hello, "Tita" Francis! xD

Found these old phone videos. First video was of my bonding time with Erin, my niece who was then three-years-old. It  was taken a year ago at Greenwich Pacita. The second one was during a brainstorming session with Essie and Nellie. I still find myself laughing so hard with Nellie's attempt to imitate Erin's "Hello, Tito Francis!" :D 

I am warning you.

You better watch your words, sweetheart. Be careful on your comments here.
I know who you are.
Obviously, hindi ka masaya.. :)

From Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood

"I know I have a pretty good sense for music, but she was better than me. I used to think it was such a waste! I thought, ‘If only she had started out with a good teacher and gotten the proper training, she’d be so much further along!’ But I was wrong about that. She was not the kind of child who could stand proper training. There just happen to be people like that. They’re blessed with this marvelous talent, but they can’t make the effort to systematize it. They end up squandering it in little bits and pieces. I’ve seen my share of people like that. At first you think they’re amazing. Like, they can sight-read some terrifically difficult piece and do a damn good job playing it all the way through. You see them do it, and you’re overwhelmed. you think, ‘I could never do that in a million years.’ But that’s as far as they go. They can’t take it any further. And why not? Because they won’t put in the effort. Because they haven’t had the discipline pounded into them. They’ve been spoiled. They have just enough talent so they’ve been able to play things well without any effort and they’ve had people telling them how great they are from the time they’re little, so hard work looks stupid to them. They’ll take some piece another kid has to work on for three weeks and polish it off in half the time, so the teacher figures they’ve put enough into it and lets them go to the next thing. And they do that in half the time and go on to the next piece. They never find out what it means to be hammered by the teacher; they lose out on a certain element required or character building. It’s a tragedy."

--- somehow, reading this makes me sad.. :(

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

"When was the last time you did something for the first time?" --'Yan ang tanong na iniwan ng isang airline commercial.

Nakakalungkot.

Mag-iisang taon ko na kasing nakita ang patalastas na iyon.

...pero hanggang ngayon, wala pa din akong matinong sagot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3QYuSHz6Dk

Infinitesimal Advances

The need to look so far into the future is no more.

I can now walk with my tiny cat feet...

... enjoy these little steps,

infinitesimal advances,

… without worrying so much where I’ll find my smile.

Reflections of a Skyline

And I wanna play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath, and massage your neck, and kiss your face, and hold your hand and go for a walk. Not mind when you eat my food, and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day. Talk about your day and laugh at your paranoia. Give you tapes you don’t listen to, watch great films… watch terrible films.
And tell you about the TV program I saw the night before, and not laugh at your jokes. Want you in the morning, but let you sleep in for awhile. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your neck……
Sit on the steps smoking ’til your neighbors come home. Sit on the steps smoking ’til you come home. And worry when you’re late, and be amazed when you’re early. I’d give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance. Be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me. Look at your photo’s and wish I’d known you forever. Hear your voice in my ear, feel your skin on my skin. And get scared when you’re angry.
I tell you you’re gorgeous. And hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you’re hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you, and whimper when I’m not. Smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t. Melt when you smile, dissolve when you laugh. But not understand how you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you. And wonder who you are… But I accept you anyway.
And tell you about the tree angel and enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you. I’d buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it but I always have from the first time I asked you.
I wander the city thinking, but I’m empty without you, but I want what you want and think I’m losing myself.
But I’ll tell you the worst of me and try and give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less.
Answer your questions when I’d rather not. And tell you the truth when I really don’t want to. And try to be honest because I knew you prefer it. And think it’s all over but hang on for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life, forget who I am. And let me try and get closer you.
… And somehow communicate some of the over-whelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart-enriching, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you.

a cameo would suffice

She can see the shift in his eyes and she knows:
He's in some other place without her again.

She wonders if she can have a "cameo" role somewhere in his mind...
perhaps of a ghost, rattling chains to get attention.
... Yes.
... even that, would suffice.

Hello Disappointment! I've been expecting you.

And although I do not often meet you
Or particularly care if you stay,
I'd be smart enough, this time,
to carve out a place for you in my heart.

Give up sanity and follow me.. ^__~

See me flirt with insanity time and time again on my Tumblr account.
Enjoy!

http://tulirongbukol.tumblr.com/

17 Years of Friendship.. ^___^

Para kay Talong.. ^_____^

Hay Buhay..

Hay buhay nga naman... na-miss kong makinig sa Sugarfree.. ^___^




"O kay hirap din palang hanapin ang iyong sarili
Sa isang mundong laging nagmamadali
Sa kakahabol ay tuluyan nang napagod at napa-upo
Naisip ko nang sumuko.. Dahil nakita niyo na akong sumablay,
Narinig mo na ang puso kong bumigay..
Hay buhay, hay buhay, hay buhay nga naman"

Dream Wedding Daw.. xD

Dahil tinutulungan ko ang aking bestfriend sa kanyang wedding preparations, hindi ko din maiwasang kahit paano'y planuhin din ang mga gusto ko sa aking future wedding.

"NATURE". Yun ang theme na gusto ko sa kasal namin since mahilig kami pareho ni Mac0ie sa kalikasan. With that ay naisip kong gawing lime green and brown ang motif. Excited kong ibinalita ito kay Mac0ie.

AKO: Mahal!!! may naisip na akong motif sa kasal natin!
MAC0IE: Talaga? Ano?
AKO: Di ba hilig natin ang nature?
MAC0IE: Oo mahal. What do you have in mind?
AKO: Lime Green and Brown.
MAC0IE: Hmmm.. Gusto ko din yan! :D
AKO: Yeheeyy!
MAC0IE: Anu-ano pa po ba ang plans mo sa wedding natin, mahal?

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagdi-discuss ng dream wedding ko. Mula sa invitation ideas, sa aking gown, sa entourage, souvenirs. Siyempre, pati na din sa honeymoon. At dahil dream wedding ito ay napapansin kong pinagpapawisan na si Mac0ie sa laki ng magagastos namin kung sakali. Nang sa wakas ay tinanong ko ang opinion niya kung saan magandang ganapin ang wedding reception....

MAC0IE: Tamang tama mahal! Meron akong alam na lugar na Lime green and Brown din ang theme! Sakto sa motif natin.
AKO: (excited) Talaga?! :D
MAC0IE: Uu, mahal.
AKO: Saan???
MAC0IE: Dyan.. Sa bahay niyo.

** Acheche! **

Hahahha! mmmmmwaaaah! :D

MMDA victims.. :D

eto po ay video habang kinakapa namin ni Mac0ie ang daan papuntang Novaliches.. ^_____^




Opo, nahuli nga kami ng MMDA sa hindi na din namin malamang violation. Ang klaro lang sa amin, malapit nang mag-lunch nun kaya ang dami nang nahuli (nabiktima, is more like it) ni ate na taga-MMDA.. hehe.. Naloka nga ako dito kay Mac0ie kasi P200 agad ang nilabas, eh P50 lang solve na dapat yun! eh dahil mabait siya, nilubos lubos ni MMDA girl at nag-request pa na dagdagan daw! ang taray!

tsk tsk.. idol pa naman ni mahal si Bayani Fernando! ahaha! peace! V^__^V

Two Touching Commercials

I just would like to share with you two of the most touching TVCs I've ever stumbled into on Youtube.

FIRST TVC: "Funeral"

"In the end, it's these small things that you remember.. little imperfections that make them perfect for you."




SECOND TVC: "Gramp Chew" from Thai Insurance. ( this made me cry... )

Note to Self

Come on, Gladys. Don't just appreciate. Practice!

You said you want to be a writer? Is this not your free time? Well then, why the hell aren't you writing?

Reading books won't make you a writer. Dreaming won't make you a writer. Playing Restaurant City won't make you a writer.

Write.
That's what writers do.

Three Trains in One Night

Three trains have pulled out on me... all in one night.

The first train was not in my power to stop.
The other two had thrown me out of its windows.
... And I know I am yet to hit the ground.

I had been there.
And the ground had once provided me with a rocky surface..
cold and hard.. but had cradled me just the same.

The ground and I are friends now.
So there is nothing to fear, right..?

Ngayon at Kailanman Sinenovela

GMA Network proudly presents the sinenovela, Ngayon at Kailanman, a TV adaptation of the 1992 Joel Lamangan film starring Sharon Cuneta and Richard Gomez.

Heart Evangelista and JC De Vera team up for the first time in this latest addition to GMA's Dramarama sa Hapon.

Ngayon at Kailanman premieres this Monday, June 8.

I Promise You This

Would you stay with me for a while? Can I convince you this time to trust me?

I want to know you. I want to know every piece that completes your puzzle. Your misplaced childhood, your hopes and dreams, the music at the back of your mind, the scars you've hidden the deepest, the reason you cry everytime it rains.

No, I won't press paper into your pain.

I understand it's hard for you to tell the stories you'd rather forget. And I know it seems cruel of me to ask about your missteps, failures and letdowns.

I know you are broken. But if you would allow me, i promise you this: Once I'm done putting it on paper, once I've completed your puzzle, you'll see how beautiful your scattered shards are. And how every single piece of it has worth.

Now That She's Gone

aaaaawww.. i chanced upon this song by JJ Lin on Imeem and i liked it.. ^____^

Now That Shes Gone - JJ Lin

Salome

He loves her.
Though she can’t figure out why.

Was it the way she writes him love notes
on the torn pages of her diary?
the tiny hearts she drew on his bare back
with her fingertips?
Or was it the way she speaks to him
in her tiny sing-song voice
saying how she loves him?

He loves her.
Though she can’t figure out why.

Because she is anything but beautiful…
Just a mess of badly sketched lines, painful to the eyes..
She cannot see beauty in the poorly drawn veins
beneath her sandpaper skin.
Or in the monotonous pattern of pores
in her face.

But he does.

And he loves her.
Even if she can’t figure out why.



NOTE: Salome is a character in one of my yet to be written novel.

Taking Charge

I now understand that the feet that pedal this bicycle. . .



. . . is mine.

Things that never fail to make me smile

-Nightly quality time with my Mom and Dad.

-The smell and taste of a good coffee.

-Early morning walks with Mac0ie.

-A look that excludes all else.

-Jelai’s and Ayin’s laughter.

-Meaningful conversations.

-Driving along Eton city.

-Childhood innocence.

-Sunrise and Sunset.

-Mac’s hand in mine.

-Being with friends.

-Writing a novel.

-Excellent food.

-A good book.

-Road trips.

-Ocean.

-Art.

-Music.

-Poetry.

-Rainbow.

-Full moon.

-Daydreams.

-Nice Ukay finds.

-People-watching.

-Strawberry shakes.

-Understanding people.

-Bonding with my cats.

-Two shadows on a wall.

-Singing in the bathroom.

-Photo shoots with Vhojie.

-My arms around my bolster.

-A compliment on my cooking.

-Patter of rain against the roof.

-Sitting on a grass on a windy day.

-Seeing an old couple holding hands.

-sessions with good old Basty, my guitar.

-The Cure’s Boys Don’t Cry and Friday I’m in Love.

Burnout...

In the unutterable silence of this defeated moment, I could not face her marbled eyes.

For how can you explain the stupidity of an adult to the simplistic, innocent mind of a child?

I strove to find the right words to say to make her feel better... But I already knew in my heart of hearts, it would be in vain. Because I also feel her pain and the ache of all those years.. I knew none of the words I could come up with would ever be comforting.

... so I just held her for a long time, covering her eyes... shielding her from the pain of seeing a fire slowly burning out.. no words passing between us, just the wind and the chill that's slowly replacing the fire's warmth.

Doors Closing and Trains Pulling Out

(NOTE: I found this on my drafts. It was something I wrote when i was at rock bottom. Fortunately, a year later, i finally found my place in the world.)



I once had a life—a life where I was known to be an eternal optimist, a go-getter with a ready smile. I believed, with all my heart, in things like fairytales and happy endings. I believed that life, in all its goodness, would keep opening doors of happiness for me and for everyone.

Until that one day.

The one that marked my long and agonizing fall from grace… It had stretched itself out and found me lost, listless and wandering for months at the rock bottom.

With the help of my dear friends, I managed to come out of its doors. But that fateful day already took with it everything that I believed was real. My dreams, my prayers, my “self”.

I stopped believing in good things. No more fairytales, happy endings and welcoming doors. Happiness is a door I shudder to walk into because it seldom ever welcomed me. Maybe it did once or twice. But it was so rare and so long ago. It might as well be from another life.

Like an illusion—a bliss inconceivable, a shadow of my lost self.

Whenever I would convince myself to reach for its knob, there’s always the feeling of being accused of opening what I had no right to… I had been accused of so many things, had been subjected to malevolent criticisms and had been bruised too many times… too many times… I never seem to fit in.

After that day, episodes of my life had seen many doors closing and trains pulling out. I started accepting the fact that I’m wired to endless wandering, to just looking inside warm rooms from the outside… I learned to look at other people’s happiness and smile as if it’s my own. This, I do to create an illusion of warmth. For it is the only thing I can do to shield myself from the cold, heartless nights.

Liligawan Kong Muli Ang Aking Pangarap

Pasensiya ka na
Kung naging duwag ako.
Ilang galos din kasi ang aking natamo
sa pilit na pag-abot sa iyo.

Pagkakamali ko nga marahil.
Kung bakit ngayo’y ang hirap mo nang abutin.
Iniluklok kita sa napakataas na pedestal.
Hindi mo naman ito hiniling.

Pero ngayo’y buo na ang loob ko
Liligawan kitang muli… susuyuin.
Pangako, patutunayan kong
Ako sayo’y karapat dapat pa rin.

Bonggang Bonggang Lisensiya

Hindi ko akalaing isa palang nakakawindang na experience ang pagkuha ng driver’s license. Siyempre aaaminin ko nang nagpatulong ako sa fixer dahil alam ko namang wala din akong isasagot sa exam. Ewan ba, noon yatang nagpaulan ng “road sense” eh kasalukuyan akong humihilik sa kalaliman ng pagtulog kaya’t hindi ako nawisikan man lang.

Anyway, pagkarating pa lang namin ni mac0ie sa LTO eh naloka na agad ako. Ako lang kasi ang girlalu na magte-take ng exam ng araw na iyon. Mabuti na lang at mabilis lang ang first half ng proseso, medical lang.

“Ok Ms. Villareal, please cover your right eye then read the 8^th line,” sabi sa’kin ng lalaki sa eye-exam room. mwihihihi! Nakikini-kinita ko pa din ang sarili ko na sobrang lapad ang pagkakangiti nung mga oras na ‘yon. Pano ba namang hindi?Eh kahit pa papikitin niya ako, kabisadong kabisado ko na ang “famous 8^th line” na iyon! “d-e-f-p-o-t-e-c.” kunyaring pagbasa ko sa chart. Sunod ay ang kaliwang mata ko naman ang pinatakpan niya. At dahil kabisado ko nga, 20/20 daw ang grado ko. Hindi niya na din chineck ang Blood Pressure ko kasi mukha naman daw akong healthy. Pagkatapos ay pinag-drug test na nila ako.

“Naiihi ka na ba?” walang kaabog-abog na tanong sa’kin ng babaeng nasa laboratory. And mind you, tinanong niya ako sa harap ng mga manong na naghihintay din ng turn nila sa drug-test. “Opo,” nahihiyang sagot ko sa kanya. “Sigurado ka?” mataray na tanong niya. Um-oo ulit ako. “Talaga ha?” sabi niya ulit. Oo na naman ako. “Sigurado ka talaga?” tanong na naman niya. Siyempre tiningnan ko na siya ng naka-kunot ang noo. Nakukulitan na kasi ako sa kanya at nakikita ko ding nakikinig ang mga manong sa usapan namin kaya’t nataasan ko na siya ng boses. “Nawiwiwi na ako! Okay?!” sabi ko sa kanya kaya’t nilabas niya na ang isang plastic vial. “O sige, kailangang punuin mo ‘to ha!” sagot niya sa’kin in-a-not-so-friendly tone. Namilog ang mata ko nang makita ko ang vial. May kalakihan nga naman pala siya, parang mahirap punuin.. @__@

Pero dahil nakita kong tila ba nanghahamon ang tingin sakin ng babaitang ito, taas noo akong naglakad palabas para maghanap ng malinis na restroom. Hindi pa ako nakakalayo nang tawagin niya ako ulit. “Miss, san ka pupunta? Dito ang C.R.” sabi niya habang itinuturo ang de-kahoy na cubicle. Doon lang daw pwede mag-C.R. ang magda-drug test. Lalo akong naloka nang makapasok ako sa loob, walang flush. At kung claustrophobic ka, malamang nahimatay ka na sa liit ng cubicle na ‘yun. Anyway, dahil wala na din akong choice, ginawa ko na ang kailangan kong gawin. Buti na lang na-pressure ako sa mapanghamong tingin ng babaitang yun kaya’t halos napuno ko naman ang vial.. hihi.. xD

Nang maisubmit ko na sa kanya ang wiwi slash specimen ay magalang na sinabihan niya akong maupo muna at maghintay ng result. Siyempre taka ako bakit bigla siyang bumait sa’kin. Imposible namang natuwa siya dahil lang halos napuno ko ang vial. Pa-upo na sana ako nang malaman ko ang dahilan kung bakit naging friendly siya bigla. “Sa GMA ka nagtatrabaho?” tanong niya habang itinuturo ang files ko. “pahingi naman ng passes sa Eat Bulaga oh!” toink! Pero dahil asar ako sa kanya at hindi ko din naman siya mapapagbigyan, nginitian ko na lang, kunyari di ko siya narinig.

So naupo muna ako. Doon ako tumabi sa manong na mukha namang kagalang-galang. “SINGLE KA BA?” biglang tanong sa’kin ng kagalang-galang na manong na ito. Aba’y may kabastusan pala ang isang

‘to! Pinapa-init lalo ang ulo ko! Irapan ko nga ng bonggang bongga! Maya maya’y nagulat ako nang tumawa siya at nag-sorry. Na-realize niya kasing nabastusan ako sa tanong niya. Ang ibig lang pala talaga niyang sabihin eh kung SINGLE daw ba ang ida-drive ko? meaning motor daw ba o four wheels? Siyempre pinamulahan din ako ng mukha. Sa hiya ko, nag-sorry din ako sa kanya dahil inirapan ko siya. Masyado kasi akong assuming! Nyahahaha! xD

Hindi ko na din masyadong matandaan ang ibang proseso pagkatapos nito kaya’t tatalon na ako sa written exam. Kahit pa may kodigo na ako, sinabi ko sa sarili kong susubukan kong sagutan ang exam bago tumingin sa kodigo. Nang makita ko ang questionnaires, nawalan na ako agad ng pag-asa. Tagalog ang exam! Pipilitin ko pa din sanang sagutan kaso napanghinaan na ako ng loob ng mabasa ko ang unang question: Anong ibig sabihin kapag inilabas ng drayber ang kanyang kaliwang kamay at ini-unat ito? ANO DAW??!! Aminin, kahit Pinoy tayo, mas mahirap intindihin ang tagalog questions. ‘Yun lang at hindi ko na pinag-aksayahang pigain ang utak ko sa mga madugong katanungan na ‘yon. Shade na lang ako ng shade.

Nang tawagin na ang pangalan ko sa listahan ng mga nakapasa, nawala na ang init ng ulo ko. Sa wakas, makukuha ko na ang lisensiya ko at makakapag-lunch na kami ni mac0ie! Nang makumpleto nang tawagin lahat ng nasa listahan, nagulantang bigla ang mundo ko. Hindi pa daw kasi tapos. Pinabababa kami para sa (..drumroll please..) Actual Exam. MERONG ACTUAL EXAM??! Shucks, hindi ako prepared! Kung anu-ano na tuloy ang pumasok sa isip ko. Anong gagawin ko? Pano kung maibangga ko ang sasakyan? Or worse pano kung may mabangga ako? Pero dahil wala na din ako ulit choice, pumunta na din ako sa driving area. Sa bawat hakbang, kinukumbinsi ko ang sarili ko na kaya ko yan kahit pa puro manong ang mga nakapaligid sa’kin. Mabuti na lang at sinalubong ako agad ni mac0ie pagbaba ng hagdan para bigyan ako ng moral support.. xD

Nang nasa driving area na kami at nakita ko ang sasakyang ida-drive namin, agad kong sinabi kay mac0ie na “Ayoko! umuwi na tayo! Magba-backout na’ko!” Pano ba namang hindi? Eh owner-type jeep ang ipapa-testdrive sa amin! Lalo akong na-pressure nang mapansin kong nakatingin sa’kin ang mga manong na kasabay ko. Siguro naaawa sila na sa liit kong ito eh magda-drive ako ng ganon. @__@

Gusto ko na sana talagang umuwi, pero thankful ako that mac0ie knocked some sense into me. Kagaya din daw ng kotse ang pagda-drive nun. Atsaka nandun na nga naman ako sa huling test tapos magchi-chickenout pa ako? Oo nga naman, sayang ang pakikipagmatigasan ko sa babaitang nasa laboratory kung di ko pa ito itutuloy, isama na din ang paghahalf-day ni mac0ie sa office para lang samahan ako.

Nilapitan ko ang nagpapa-actual exam habang nagtatawag siya ng pangalan ng susunod na magda-drive. Dahil medyo kinakabahan pa din ako, nagpa-cute na lang ako sa kanya ala Puss in Boots sa Shrek at nakiusap na i-huli na lang ako sa exam. Baka kasi sakaling pag konti na ang taong nanonood eh mabawasan ang kaba ko. Mabuti na lang at pumayag siya. Imagine my horror habang nakikita ko ang ibang manong na namamatayan ng makina sa test drive. Yung isang bagets, nabangga pa ‘yung barbwire na nasa likuran dahil napasobra ang reverse niya. Naalala ko tuloy na nung huling beses akong nag-reverse eh nabangga ko ang gate ng kapitbahay namin.. xD Hay, good luck talaga sa’kin! Mabuti na lang nang natapos at nakaalis na lahat ng kasabayan ko, hindi na din ako pinag-exam. Naawa na siguro sila sakin dahil siguradong kulay abo na ako ng mga oras na iyon. xD

Inabutan na kami ng lunch break kaya’t alas-dos ko na nakuha ang lisensiya. Nang makita ko ang kawarlahan ng itsura ko doon, natawa na lang din ako. Dati kasi nagtataka pa ako kung bakit halos lahat ng makita kong litrato sa driver’s license eh mukhang tuliro, tulala at tralala. Ngayon, pagkatapos ng bonggang bonggang karanasan ko sa LTO, alam ko na din ang sagot. ^___^

At bilang pampalubag-loob man lang sa kawindang windang na itsura ko sa license, pinicturean ko na lang muli ang sarili ko nang nakapagpahinga na ako ng konti. Hihi.. xD

Sleep Softly, My Moon Cat

"No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch."
--Leo Dworken

To Siah, my beloved Siamese cat…

I really hope I could agree with my friends whenever they tell me that you are in a much better place now… But you know how selfish I can be. I just can’t help but wish you’ll be here, beside me, forever.

I miss you so damn much… Your habit of lying in front of my PC while I’m trying to meet a deadline, fighting with me on who reigns supreme on the computer… You’re always the reason why my articles have “ghfdg7vdjfels” on them by trying to take hold of my keyboard…

God, I miss that and so much more…

Now I can’t go to my room without wishing you’re still alive, tapping me with your little paw. Just this morning I turn into an emotional ball of mess once again, expecting you to greet me, to follow me around… You never failed to do that every morning.

I love you, my moon cat… You know me in the way no human could ever know. You understand me for you were a silent witness to my ups and downs… You patiently listen to my secret wishes, tolerate my lunacy… You were the only one who I allowed to see me totally break down… You knew that at the end of a weary day, when I am just so done with words, that only cuddling will do…

You loved me… I like the “me” in your trusting eyes… And you let me love you. You made me your whole world… And I had never been anyone’s whole world before…

My only comfort now lies in the knowledge that you are no longer in pain and that you are now purring your sweet purr there in the lap of God, spreading smiles in Heaven.

I love you…. Thank you for sharing your brief but beautiful life with me…

Sleep softly, my moon cat…

Only In Your Reflection

I had a dream… In it, you were a cool, clear lake in the deepest heat of summer.

After long hours of watching, I saw myself moving slowly to your banks… In a movement as fluid, as impossible as being captured as mercury, I stepped into you and moved smoothly into your depths…

With your coolness enveloping me, I felt all my anxieties and disquiet sloughed away and swirled into the current to disappear… I drifted downward until I lay buried inside you, like a jewel from some treasure lost in a storm…

In your unmarred reflection, I saw myself… I ran my hand over to the curves of my face as if I were made of the finest silk… For it is only in your reflection that I see myself this beautiful, this happy, this loved…

How safe you were, how still and comforting…

It is here, deep in the warm interior of my dream that I belong… Here, in the soul of a man so sweet and deep and loving.

A Conversation with My 12-Year-Old-Self

Last week naisipan kong basahing muli ang diary ko nung 12 years old pa lang ako. Pagbuklat ko dito ay bumungad sa akin ang title na: “Gala’s Journal”. Gala kasi ang palayaw ko noong bata ako. Nakakatuwa palang basahin ang diary ng isang bata. Ang daming emosyon, ang daming kalokohan at ka-dramahan. Ilang beses ko ding naitanong: “Ako ba talaga ‘to?” Paano kaya kung makaharap ko ang batang ako? Ano ang sasabihin namin sa isa’t isa?

Mukhang maganda ngang idea yun. Umpisahan ko kaya dito sa panahong sinulat ko ang pahinang “Three Things To Accomplish”? Ito kasi ang isa sa pinaka-pumukaw ng aking atensiyon.

1. INT. GALA’S ROOM. DAY (naks! script!)

Ako: (reads Gala’s list) #1) Learn to play the guitar…

Gala: (excited) Alam mo, Ate, hiningi ko na kay tito Erick yung gitara niya para mapag-aralan ko na.

Ituturo niya ang gitarang nasa tabi ng kama na later on ay papangalanan niyang Basty.

Ako: Maganda yan! It’s good na mahilig ka sa music.

Gala: Oo nga eh. Kaso nag-iipon pa ako para makapag-aral ng guitar lessons. Ayoko kasing humingi pa kila Papa, ang dami na nilang gastos sa tuition namin ni Kuya. Tapos yung bayad pa sa kuryente, sa tubig at kung saan saan pa.

Ako: hehe, para ka namang matanda kung mag-isip! (a beat) Pero alam mo, pwede kang matutong mag-gitara sa sarili mo lang.

Gala: Talaga, Ate?

Ako: Oo! Tumingin ka sa mga songhits, madalas merong chord chart dun. Madali lang sundan. Dun lang din ako natuto mag-gitara eh!

Gala: Wow! Thank you, Ate! Bibili na’ko ngayon din!

Nagmamadaling tatayo si Gala.

Ako: Teka, mamaya na! Maupo ka muna. Ngayon na nga lang tayo nag-usap, aalis ka pa agad.

Gala: (sits) Sorry Ate, I got carried away. (englishera?)

Ako: (reads the list again) #2) Go on a trip to India… Wow! This sounds interesting… Of all the places, why India?

Gala: Hmmm.. para kasing napaka-mysterious ng India para sa’kin… Hindi ba’t sa kanila nagmula yung Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism at Jainism?

Ako: Tlga? Pasensiya na hindi ko na matandaan yan… Atsaka teka, ano namang kinalaman ng mga religion na yun sa kagustuhan mong puntahan ang India?

Gala: Nacu-curious kasi ako kung ano bang meron sa India… Napaka-“spiritual” siguro ng lugar na ‘yun para pagmulan ng 4 na relihiyon.

Ako: (smiles and pats Gala’s head) Ang weirdo mo talagang bata ka.

Gala: Masama bang maging weirdo, ate?

Ako: No… I think weird is good.

Mapapangiti si Gala. Babasahin ko naman ang ikatlo sa kanyang listahan.

Ako: #3) Write a bestseller… hahaha! Ikaw talaga! Ang bata bata mo pa gusto mo nang kumita agad ng malaki!

Gala: Yan ang pinaka-dream ko, Ate!

Ako: Ang yumaman?

Gala: Hindi. Ang makasulat ng libro/nobela na maraming tatangkilik. Para kasing ang sarap sa pakiramdam na maraming tao ang natutuwa, nakaka-relate at natututo sa mga sinulat mo… Ikaw Ate, nasubukan mo na bang sumulat?

Ako: Oo, iyon ang trabaho ko.

Gala: Wow! E di nakagawa ka na ng bestseller?

Ako: Naku hindi… hindi naman ako ganun ka-galing.

Gala: Pero gusto mo?

Ako: . . . ‘Yun ang pangarap ko.

Gala: Yun naman pala! Eh bakit hindi mo gawin?

Ako: Hindi naman ganun kadali yun.

Gala: Ganun lang dapat kadali yun, Ate.

Ako: Hindi mo pa kasi nararanasang ma-reject---

Gala: (cutting me off) Wag mong sabihing hindi mo kaya?

(A beat)

Ako: Honestly, hindi nga ako sigurado kung kaya ko.

Gala: Ate, wag kang magagalit ha? Pero ang hina naman ng loob mo.. Masuwerte ka nga nandiyan ka na at nabibigyan ng pagkakataong magsulat… Kung ako ang nasa posisyon mo, gagawin ko ang lahat ng aking makakaya para maabot ang mga pangarap ko… Kagaya nga ng palaging pangaral sakin ni Papa: “Walang imposible, basta magtiwala ka lang.”

Ako: (smiles) Close ka din sa Papa mo?

Gala: Oo! Idol ko nga siya eh! Alam mo ba, Ate? Kahit bulag si Papa ko, hindi niya ni minsan ginamit na dahilan iyon para mawalan siya ng tiwala sa sarili niya at sa mga bagay na kaya niyang gawin. Siya ang inspirasyon ko. At hindi ko siya bibiguin.

Kitang kita ko ang determinasyon sa mga mata ni Gala. Natigilan ako. Nahiya sa aking sarili. Oo nga, when did I stop believing in myself? When did I stop dreaming? How did I ever forget that lesson my father taught me? Niyakap ko ang batang si Gala, thankful for this eye-opening conversation.

Ako: Salamat ha?

Gala: Para saan?

Ako: Dahil nakilala kita ulit.

Gala: (smiles and turns to go) Sige ate, alis na muna ako!

Ako: Saan ka pupunta?

Gala: Bibili ng songhits, mag-aaral mag-gitara!

Ako: Teka, pwedeng iwan mo na muna yung papel at ballpen mo? May susubukan lang akong sulatin.

Gala: Anong susulatin mo?

Ako: (smiles at her) Concepts para sa magiging bestseller kong libro.

Her face lights up. Bibigyan ako ni Gala ng thumbs-up sign at kikindatan ko naman siya… =)

Hindi Dapat

Kahapon ay nakatanggap ako ng tawag mula sa isang taong itago na lang natin sa pangalang Goryo. Dati ko siyang kasamahang manunulat sa isang kumpanyang pinagtrabahuhan ko. Gusto daw nilang kunin muli ang aking serbisyo. Hindi ko na lang din papangalanan ang kumpanya dahil hindi din naman naging maganda ang karanasan ko dito. At sa totoo lang, hindi din kagandahan ang nilalaman ng sasabihin ko.

Nang mag-ring ang aking phone at nag-register ang pangalan ni Goryo ay nagdalawang isip ako kung sasagutin ko ba o hindi. Paano mo ba kakausapin ang taong nag-umpisa ng malisyosong tsismis na pansamantalang dinungisan ang iyong kredibilidad? Matapos makipagtalo sa aking sarili, sinagot ko na din ang tawag.

Masayahin ang boses na isinalubong sa akin ni Goryo. Yung tipo ng boses na ginagamit mo kapag kausap ang isang matalik na kaibigan. Kinausap niya ako na tila ba wala siyang malaking atraso sa akin. Kailangan daw nila ng follow-up human-interest articles tungkol sa mga kabataang ininterview ko dati. Gusto ko sanang sabihin na bilib ako sa kapal ng pagmumukha nila para kunin pang muli ang aking serbisyo matapos ang ginawa nila sakin (sorry if I sound mean). Ngunit dahil mabuti ang pagpapalaki sa akin ng magulang ko, sinabi ko na lang na busy ako.

“Ikaw pa? Kilala kita. Sanay ka namang sumulat under pressure eh!” Biro niya sa akin. Sa isip isip ko, “Talaga lang ha? Kung kilala mo talaga ako, you should know na nagpipigil lang akong hindi ka masigawan.” Pero dahil nga nagpipigil ako, sinabi ko na lang na hindi ko talaga magagawa.

“Name your price. Willing naman yata mag-shed out ang company ng malaki for this project.”

Aaaahh name my price pala ha! Nagbigay ako ng presyo, halos triple ng dating sinisingil ko sa kanila. Tumahimik sandali si Goryo, obviously shocked. “Seryoso ka ba?” tanong niya matapos makabawi. “Oo.” Maikling sagot ko para tigilan niya na ako dahil alam ko namang hindi papayag ang kumpanya. “Baka naman pwedeng dagdagan na lang natin ng (a measly percentage of my TF) ang payment?” sabi pa niya. “Hindi.” Sagot ko ulit. Sinubukan niya pa akong bolahin. Pumayag na daw ako kasi ako daw ang mas may kilala sa mga kabataang ininterview ko at baka mahirapan daw mag-open up sa kanila… etc..

Maya maya ay tinatawaran na naman niya ako. At dahil nga matagal ko nang pinipigilan ang aking sarili, nataasan ko na siya ng boses. Ang sabi ko “Kaya nga yun tinawag na Talent Fee kasi talento ang puhunan. Tapos ngayon tatad-tawaran mo lang na para bang nasa palengke tayo? Ano yun? Isda na pwede mong tawaran?!” Yun na ang mga huling salitang namagitan sa amin. Hindi ko na matandaan kung ako ba o siya ang unang nagbaba.

Alam kong hindi maganda ang ginawa ko. And I am not proud of it. But for the moment, hayaan na lang muna sana nila akong magalit. Intindihin na lang sana nila that this outpouring was long overdue. I have always hated regrets. Pero kung meron man akong nagawa na nire-regret ko, eto yung huling araw ko sa kumpanyang iyon. Yung araw na natapak tapakan ang pagkatao ko dahil sa malisyosong tsismis na ginawa niya sampu ng kanyang mga kasamahan. Pinagsisishan kong lumabas ako ng opisina na umiiyak at nakatungo. Hindi ako dapat lumabas ng nakatungo. Hindi dapat.

You Really Do Come True...

Sorry for the randomness (not to mention the cheesiness) of this short entry, I just really need to write this down.

For years, this simple dream had been secretly nestling in my heart of hearts: To walk in a crowded place with the love of my life holding my hand, beaming with pride, proclaiming to the world that he is proud of me… and of being seen with me. A narrow-minded wish for some.. but I know those who know me through and through would understand why.

Insecurity is an ugly gaping hole in my personal package that cannot seem to be filled, not even with years of being in some of my relationships. So I gave up hope.

But now, looking at you smiling at me while holding my hand in a crowded place, makes me re-assess my notion of having-a-dream-come-true.

For you don’t look proud with your hand in mine…

…you look happy… contented… and at home…

Yes, happy… not just to be seen with me. But happy that you are with me…

Now I know, without a shadow of doubt:

Dreams… you really do come true.

Is The Grass Really Greener on The Other Side?

One of my articles published in the Love Section of Starbuzz Magazine April 2006.. =)

Fairy tale romances usually go like Boy meets girl. Boy and Girl fall in love. Then what usually follows is the line, “and they live happily ever after.” But more often than not, there is another, more complicated side of the story. Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl fall in love. Then, Boy meets another Girl who seems to be way cooler (or hotter, for that matter) than the other Girl or vice versa.

To always want more, is part of being human. Somehow, we are seldom contented or satisfied with what we have. Remember the saying that the “grass is always greener on the other side”? In some ways, the other side seems so tempting, evoking in us the desire to stray.

One article about infidelity explained it best. "Even if you're in a good relationship that offers you lots of X, if someone comes along who offers Y, you take the X for granted, and the Y starts to look really good."

Because we’ve been so accustomed to having the Xs around, we tend to forget its real value.

Oftentimes, the beginnings of infidelity may seem innocent. Many affairs started with a “just friends” status. They are people who are already threading on dangerous slopes without even realizing it. The thing becomes insidious.

Gradually and unnoticeably, their emotions change. They have already crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love before even noticing that there was a line. It has already put them in situations they originally didn’t intend to fall into.

And because they are overwhelmed and drawn by this new and exciting feeling, which is a far cry from the “routine” relationship with their partner, fantasy takes over. They begin to view this “other” person as someone who is sweeter, wittier and better.

Infidelity maybe brought about by a skewed perception of love. We sometimes have this misguided notion of an ideal relationship. We want our partners to be “everything we wish them to be”. And if they fail to meet our expectations, we begin to feel a little disillusioned about the connection.

However, we should bear in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Even we, ourselves aren’t perfect. Also, there is no relationship where ALL our needs will be met satisfactorily. When we are not that happy in our current relationship, it is wiser to evaluate ourselves first before evaluating our significant other, especially for those who are married already.

We should, every now and then, ask ourselves if we truly deserve our partners and vice versa. Can it be possible that we are just bored because everything seems predictable and familiar already? And we are attracted to another because of the “new relationship feel” that comes with it?

If we are looking for someone to be flirty with, perhaps, if we would only try, we can still be flirty with our original partners. Instead of looking away, why not try to look toward our partners for our needs? Trying to re-romanticize the whole relationship may make it work the second time around. Think back to what turned us on when we first met them. Doing so can help us re-awaken dying embers. Perhaps this should be a basic rule in loving someone: Never forget why we fell in love with him/her in the first place.

For starters, flirt with the real partner. Try to blow them a kiss that nobody else sees, wink at them from across the room, hold hands, tickle their sides and pinch their cheeks every now and then. Let us do our parts to keep the relationship alive.

If only we will start to focus on things that our partners possess rather than on things they lack, we may realize that what we had with partner number two may just be a diversion of love, not love itself.

If all else fails and if the relationship was not meant to be, you will at least know that you really did your best. Plus you will learn lessons that can help you build a better connection with a new partner, the one that you truly deserve.