Hiling...

Para sa mga bituin sa langit…

Maniwala man kayo o hindi, naiintindihan ko siya… Hindi din ako kasing sama tulad ng kanyang iniisip… Lahat naman gustong maging maligaya. Hindi naman masamang maghangad nito… Nagkataon lang talaga sigurong ang bagay na hiniling niya sa inyo at ang bagay na magpapasaya sa kanya ay siya ring bagay na nagpapaligaya sa akin…

Hindi na ako magsisinungaling. Alam ko din namang hindi ko kayo maloloko… Nasaktan talaga ako nang kinuha niyo ito sa akin at ibinigay sa kanya… At inaamin kong hanggang ngayon ay nararamdaman ko pa din ang malaking kakulangang naidulot nito sa buhay ko… Pero tulad ng aking sinabi, naiintindihan ko…

Ganun naman talaga ang buhay, hindi ba? Lahat may kabayaran… Sa tuwing may natatanggap ka, may isang tao ding nawawalan…

At dahil ayoko na ding may masaktan pa sa paghiling ko sa aking pansariling kaligayahan, may isang bagay na lang akong ipapakiusap sa inyo… Hinihiling kong ibigay niyo sana ang kaligayahan ng taong matiyagang humahawak sa kamay ko habang walang sawang nakikinig at dumadamay sa aking kalungkutan… Ito lang kasi ang tangi kong magagawa para sa kanya sa ngayon… salamat...

Tahanan

Malalim na ang gabi ngunit nakatayo pa din ako dito at nakamasid… Nagkukunyaring hindi ko naririnig ang pangungutya ng katahimikan… Hindi ako magpapatalo… Tanging ang iyong mga yabag lamang ang aking hihintaying mapakinggan…

Basta nandito lang ako. Hindi ako titiklop. Mananatili akong nakatayo kahit anong kagustuhan pa ng mapanirang hangin na wasakin ako… Hihintayin kita…

Pasensiya ka na at wala man lang akong palatandaang naibigay para mapadali ang iyong paghahanap. Ngunit naniniwala ako na pagkatapos ng iyong mahaba at nakakapagod na paglalakbay, sa iyong tahanan mo pa din gugustuhing umuwi…

Dadating ka… Mahahanap mo din ang daan pabalik… Naniniwala ako…

Charred Cake

Unlike most girls, I lack sweetness. Or that’s what was said of me.

To prove otherwise, I hurriedly went to the grocery store, bought all the ingredients that I need in baking his favorite mocha cake.

It’s his birthday, so the cake has to be perfect. It has to be smooth and sweet, just the way he likes it.

I must admit, though I love to cook, the oven and I are not exactly good friends. So to make sure the cake would be edible, I had to look at the recipe time and time again. To my delight, the aroma was so delicious.

While the cake was still in the oven, I started mixing the frosting. In my mind, I’m already planning the whole look of it, how much icing I shall put, what colors would look good on it… etc… I can just imagine his reaction when I finally give him this perfectly sweet cake. It would certainly surprise him. I smiled at the thought.

“Ay! Sunog na yata, anak!” My mom’s voice interrupted my daydreaming.

I quickly ran to the kitchen and took the cake out. But mom was right, it was already charred. With my heart sinking, I tried to think of remedies and came up with a quick fix. I smoothed everything over by liberally putting the icing on the charred cake.

“Maybe the frosting’s sweetness would cover up the bitterness,” I heard myself saying out loud while taking a small portion to taste.

Surprisingly, it actually did. A little hint of bitterness but still, the sweetness won over.

My mom laughed saying I’m a genius. He would never know that the cake was charred. I laughed too. I laughed so hard… so hard… because it hurts. And laughing is the only way I know how to make it stop hurting.

I hurt because it just hit me. Maybe I’m not really designed for sweetness. Maybe he had been right all along.

Ngumingiti, Kinikilig at Umaasa

Eto na naman ako… ngumingiti, kinikilig, umaasa sa bawat pagtunog ng celphone ko na mangilang linggo ding nanahimik… Kung tutuusin, dapat ay sanay na ako. Mahigit isang taon na ding ganito ang set-up natin… Magkasama tayo ngayon, pero bukas makalawa, wala ka na ulit…

Ilang linggo ka ding hindi magpaparamdam. ‘Yun ang mga linggong halos isumpa kita sa galit, mga linggong gusto kitang sumbatan kung paano mo nagagawang maging masaya habang impiyerno ang buhay ko… Mga linggong nililimot mo ang halos anim na taon nating pagsasama… mga linggong kasama mo siya…

Lagi akong tinatanong ng mga kaibigan ko… ‘Bakit niya nagagawa sa’yo ‘yan? Bakit ka pumapayag? Bakit siya pa? Bakit ang tanga mo at hindi ka pa bumibitiw?... Ngunit puro pagpatak ng luha at kibit lang ng balikat ang kaya kong isagot… Hindi ko din kasi alam. Napakarami din kasing tanong sa isip ko… Napakaraming ‘Bakit?’

Bakit nga ba sa kabila ng lahat, hindi ka maging ganap na masaya? Bakit nga ba kailangang paghanapan mo ako ng mga bagay na alam mong hindi mo naman makikita sa akin? Bakit nga ba hindi ka makuntento sa kung anong meron ako? Bakit nga ba lumilingon ka pa sa iba? Bakit nga ba..?

Sa mga linggong hindi ka nagpaparamdam, naglalabasan lahat ng mga ‘bakit?’ sa isip ko… Sa katunayan, pina-practice kong lahat ‘yan kung paano ko itatanong sa’yo sa paraang tama ang timpla: Mahinahong boses, tamang pagpili ng mga salita, tamang galaw ng mukha at kumpas ng kamay. Dapat tama din ang timing pati ang ambiance. Paulit-ulit ko ‘yang pina-practice. Practice makes perfect sabi nga nila.

Dapat kasi lahat tama… Para hindi ka magalit… para hindi ka masaktan… para malaman mo din na kahit nakasanayan na natin ang ganitong set-up, hindi ko pa din makakasanayan ang sakit… para maintindihan mo ako…

Pero siguro nga talagang engot ako pagdating sa aspetong ito ng buhay… Dahil sa tuwing bumabalik ka na galing sa matagal mong pananahimik, lahat ng prinaktis ko, ayun, nawawala. Isang ‘hi’ mo lang, lahat ng tanong, nakakalimutan. Lahat ng sama ng loob, naglalaho… Ang natitira lang, matatamis na ngiti, kilig at pag-asa…

Tulad ngayon, hawak kong muli ang celphone ko na mangilang linggo ding nanahimik… eto na naman ako… ngumingiti… kinikilig… umaasa…

Requiem

It died… No one did the killing.

It just happened… ended all by itself.

It wasn’t sudden, the demise.

In fact, it’s been dying for over a year already... and we let it…

“Save me… or kill me,” it cried out to us.

But we chose neither.

We just looked at it with unseeing eyes.

Both too busy drowning in our own private hells to dare lift a finger...

Then, a cry…

A sharp one that tells of its fall towards final things…

We both heard it… yet we remained still.

… Maybe, just maybe, we’d look at it someday…

Look at the glow, five-years-worth, that was no more…

All ashen… gone…

took everything along with it…. All the good, all the bad….

… nothing left behind…

Nothing lasting, nothing real… Nothing… Not even love…

read this, trash!

(Forgive me for this moment of bitchiness; I just need to get it off my system.)

Hey girl, you look really familiar… I just can’t quite put my finger on it but I think I saw you already… let me see… hmmm… hmmm…

yeah, right! Now I remember! Ikaw ‘yung natapakan ko just the other week diba? I’m really sorry about that ha? Ikaw naman kasi, pakalat kalat ka sa dinaraanan ko… anyway, I hope I did not damage you too much… thank heavens, you’re not that foul-smelling anymore, mainit-init ka pa kasi nung natapakan kita eh…

Actually, I kinda hated myself that day… sa tagal tagal nang ingat ko sa paglalakad, sa isang tulad mo lang pala ako madadapa… sabi nga ng friend ko, kaderder talaga!

Pero be thankful na din na ako ang nakatapak sayo, kasi had it been other girls, they wouldn’t even give you the chance to continue your pitiful existence… ;p

your map and my destination

you sit, i run.
you walk gracefully, i often stumble.
you have a chair, i only have my two feet.
your skins are dried from your cold rooms, mine's dry from the blazing sun.
you smile on that blinking machine, i smile with my paper.
you have a map, i have a destination.
you say you're lost... i say... I'm just as lost.
(Well, at least, life is fair)
I just don't know whether to be happy or sad about that.
(Now this is the part where i should decide whether to laugh or cry)
so, what now, gladys?
what now..?

Sans Artificial Sweetness

I savor this cup with a tongue that must die,

With many clear cut warnings

echoing in my head.

“The venom in its flavor

shall destroy you in a sip.”

So they say.

Yes, it is imperfect.

So different from how I used to make it.

I have always loved it sweet.

Drinking a cup after another.

But one day,

I ran out of sweetness.

With a sugarless coffee, I settled.

I had to… I just had to…

for I can’t last without a cup

to keep me sane in a deadline-oriented world.

Now it has no sugar,

No artificial sweetness.

No nothings to lessen its stinging bitterness

Flawed, indeed, but not poisoned.

Delightful in its imperfections…

Bare.

Bitter but honest.

Brave.

Too brave in fact.

Forcing me to open my eyes…

And see beauty in its imperfections.

Imperfect, it is…

Yet in its flaws,

I surrendered.

When Karma Strikes

My funny, embarrassing experience with karmic justice happened on a bus. I was on my way to Buendia.

“She’s so pretty.” I thought to myself while tilting my head every now and then to have a glimpse at the girl. We were both at the three-sitter part of the bus. (Just to make it clear, I’m straight. I just happen to admire beauty.) When the conductor came and asked her where she’s going, she said an earth-shaking: “Sa GUWADALOWPI.” (uhm, she meant Guadalupe.)

I almost fell from my seat. Did I hear her right? “Sayang, ang ganda pa naman niya.” Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t normally make fun of bisayas. It’s just that I was really surprised to hear it come from a Liv Tyler-look alike. Yes, she’s that pretty.

“Guwadalowpi, Guwadalowpi.” The word keeps repeating in my head. I was in that frame of mind when the conductor asked where I’m heading. I don’t know what the hell happened to me. Without any thought, I said in a matter-of-factly tone: “Sa Guwadalowpi po.” For crying out loud!!! Earth should have swallowed me up whole! I honestly didn’t know why I said that. I wasn’t even headed to Guadalupe.

The girl sent daggers with her looks—all aimed at me… =( Thank God I was on the window side of the bus. It’s easier to pretend I’m suddenly in awe of the sky-scrapers outside. I didn’t know Karma could be that quick. My stiff neck is a reminder of that.

Of Frames and Happiness

Take a chance again
Curve your lips some more
Though you have nothing
to hang your hat on
except blind hope

For someday you might see it
Hanging on the wall
Something that you haven’t seen
for so long.

You have worn it then, haven’t you?
That butterfly life in your eyes?
Maybe all is not lost…

Everything is set now.
Give it your all…
Ready?
Smile…

1… 2… 3…

…… and hope…

The 318 Malady

I guess we’re both tired now.

Me, of always being brushed aside…

You, of my constant whinings…

This is a cycle already.

We both forgive but we keep on

Inflicting the same pain.

It has grown so much into us…

So much that we no longer know

That we’re hurting each other.

This is a cycle…

And it’s killing “us” already…

In the dinner plate of life

if there was one thing i know about myself when i was young, it's this: I was eminently hateable.

Thank God that in the dinner plate of life, I am no longer the liver and the onions---the ones you put aside because you hate its often disgusting after-taste.

I do love myself now. No one can make me hate myself anymore.

mY sO-cALLeD-HaPpiNesS

You said you just want to be happy
and i can perfectly understand that...
It's what everyone wishes for, is it not?
...to be happy...?

But not finding your own happiness
is not an excuse.

It can never be a reason
for stealing other's...

You will never be happy
that way... never...

You may hate me for saying this
but you have to wake up now.

Believe me, you wouldn't
want to be in my shoes...
Once you feel the way I am
feeling now,
you will realize how the things
you did can actually destroy other people's hope.
Hope that had been four years in the making...
only to see it smashed into pieces...

When that day comes, you will know...
And maybe, by feeling the hurt that comes with it,
you will know better than to do that again.

You've had your moment
Now please let me have mine...

Cutting Ribbons

I'm about to cut you,ribbon, now.
The signal will be heard any moment,
soon the race will start...
It would not be easy, I know.
Never was and never will be.

But I am ready now.
To cut you up, my gilding for so long.
Ready now, to leave you
and make that big leap.

It had been a long time coming.

For I've heard the signal
and its death-like footsteps
so long ago...

I refused to be unwrapped,
supposing I'm happier
with this tight knots
wrapped around me.

But now I can feel
that while wrapped,
I'll be just another
pretty box...

still caged and restricted,
never knowing its power.

I thought wrapping
you around me
would make me safe
Now i realize that
i am no safer here inside...

So I'm cutting you now.

I should cut you now...

i Am

Now I know why you hate me.
it's all so clear now...
It's because I'm everything
you love and hate about yourself...
I am.