Doors Closing and Trains Pulling Out

(NOTE: I found this on my drafts. It was something I wrote when i was at rock bottom. Fortunately, a year later, i finally found my place in the world.)



I once had a life—a life where I was known to be an eternal optimist, a go-getter with a ready smile. I believed, with all my heart, in things like fairytales and happy endings. I believed that life, in all its goodness, would keep opening doors of happiness for me and for everyone.

Until that one day.

The one that marked my long and agonizing fall from grace… It had stretched itself out and found me lost, listless and wandering for months at the rock bottom.

With the help of my dear friends, I managed to come out of its doors. But that fateful day already took with it everything that I believed was real. My dreams, my prayers, my “self”.

I stopped believing in good things. No more fairytales, happy endings and welcoming doors. Happiness is a door I shudder to walk into because it seldom ever welcomed me. Maybe it did once or twice. But it was so rare and so long ago. It might as well be from another life.

Like an illusion—a bliss inconceivable, a shadow of my lost self.

Whenever I would convince myself to reach for its knob, there’s always the feeling of being accused of opening what I had no right to… I had been accused of so many things, had been subjected to malevolent criticisms and had been bruised too many times… too many times… I never seem to fit in.

After that day, episodes of my life had seen many doors closing and trains pulling out. I started accepting the fact that I’m wired to endless wandering, to just looking inside warm rooms from the outside… I learned to look at other people’s happiness and smile as if it’s my own. This, I do to create an illusion of warmth. For it is the only thing I can do to shield myself from the cold, heartless nights.

Liligawan Kong Muli Ang Aking Pangarap

Pasensiya ka na
Kung naging duwag ako.
Ilang galos din kasi ang aking natamo
sa pilit na pag-abot sa iyo.

Pagkakamali ko nga marahil.
Kung bakit ngayo’y ang hirap mo nang abutin.
Iniluklok kita sa napakataas na pedestal.
Hindi mo naman ito hiniling.

Pero ngayo’y buo na ang loob ko
Liligawan kitang muli… susuyuin.
Pangako, patutunayan kong
Ako sayo’y karapat dapat pa rin.