Maraming Maraming Salamat, Inay.

Maraming maraming salamat, Inay. Yan ang pinaka-una kong gustong sabihin. Dahil sa pagmamahal,  pag-alaga at pag-intindi sa aming lahat. Lahat kaming mga apo mo ay naalagaan mo. Sabi sa akin nila Mama at Papa, iniwan nila ako sayo noong maliit pa ako. Sobrang sarap siguro talaga ng pag-aasikaso mo, Inay, kaya nung kinukuha na nila ako, ayaw ko na daw sumama sa kanila. Laging bukamibibig ko daw ay “Inay. Gusto ko kay Inay”.

Habang lumalaki kaming magpi-pinsan, doon namin mas naintindihan kung gaano mo kami ka-mahal. Dati naiinis kami pag ginigising mo kami ng ala-sais ng umaga, paano ay puyat kami kaka-videoke . Pero mapapalitan agad yun ng saya kasi pagharap namin sa mesa, nakahanda na ang masasarap na agahan na niluto mo para samin. Madalas pag nagbabakasyon kami sa Quezon, inihahanda mo ang mga paborito namin. Tinadtad, inihaw na tuna, ginataang isda, spaghetti, dinuguan, laing, litsong baboy. Kaya naman nagtatabaan kami palagi tuwing uuwi na kami.

Laging mas higit pa sa hinihiling ang ibinibigay mo. Minsan, simpleng hamburger lang sa Jollibee ang lambing namin sayo. Pero sabi mo, baka magutom kami. Kaya chicken, spaghetti, softdrinks  at burger ang inoorder mo.

Kahit minsan hindi ka naging matipid sa pagmamahal sa amin. Kahit sa iyong mga huling sandali, kami pa rin ang naiisip mo. Hindi ka nagpa-alaga. Natulog ka lang ng mahimbing.

Maligaya kang nakikitang masaya kaming lahat at hindi nahihirapan. Ganyan mo kami ka-mahal.

Nang mawala ka, Inay. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, ang laking bahagi namin ang nawala. Pero ngayong naaalala ko kung gaano mo kami minahal at kung gaano mo ibinigay ang sarili mo sa amin, naisip kong hindi ka naman talaga nawala... At hindi ka kailanman mawawala... Kasi nasa amin kang lahat. Marami kang na-ituro at naipamahagi sa amin na hindi namin makakalimutan.

Pangako, Inay, isasapuso namin ang mga pangaral mo. Mamahalin namin ang isa’t isa kagaya ng pagmamahal mo sa amin. Alam namin babantayan mo kami, Inay. Gagawin naming lahat para sa tuwing sisilipin mo kami mula sa langit, mapapangiti ka.. sasaya.. at lalong magiging proud. :)

Happily-ever-afters

My parents make an exceptional example of what marriage should be like. They are the reason why I believe in Happily-ever-afters.. :)

The sweetest couple.. ^______^

The Way I Am

"If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
'Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

'Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am."

~~~Ingrid Michaelson lyrics

Hello, "Tita" Francis! xD

Found these old phone videos. First video was of my bonding time with Erin, my niece who was then three-years-old. It  was taken a year ago at Greenwich Pacita. The second one was during a brainstorming session with Essie and Nellie. I still find myself laughing so hard with Nellie's attempt to imitate Erin's "Hello, Tito Francis!" :D 

Infinitesimal Advances

The need to look so far into the future is no more.

I can now walk with my tiny cat feet...

... enjoy these little steps,

infinitesimal advances,

… without worrying so much where I’ll find my smile.

Reflections of a Skyline

And I wanna play hide and seek, give you my clothes, tell you I love your shoes, sit on the steps when you take a bath, and massage your neck, and kiss your face, and hold your hand and go for a walk. Not mind when you eat my food, and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day. Talk about your day and laugh at your paranoia. Give you tapes you don’t listen to, watch great films… watch terrible films.
And tell you about the TV program I saw the night before, and not laugh at your jokes. Want you in the morning, but let you sleep in for awhile. Tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your neck……
Sit on the steps smoking ’til your neighbors come home. Sit on the steps smoking ’til you come home. And worry when you’re late, and be amazed when you’re early. I’d give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance. Be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me. Look at your photo’s and wish I’d known you forever. Hear your voice in my ear, feel your skin on my skin. And get scared when you’re angry.
I tell you you’re gorgeous. And hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you’re hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you, and whimper when I’m not. Smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t. Melt when you smile, dissolve when you laugh. But not understand how you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you. And wonder who you are… But I accept you anyway.
And tell you about the tree angel and enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you. I’d buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it but I always have from the first time I asked you.
I wander the city thinking, but I’m empty without you, but I want what you want and think I’m losing myself.
But I’ll tell you the worst of me and try and give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less.
Answer your questions when I’d rather not. And tell you the truth when I really don’t want to. And try to be honest because I knew you prefer it. And think it’s all over but hang on for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life, forget who I am. And let me try and get closer you.
… And somehow communicate some of the over-whelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart-enriching, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you.

a cameo would suffice

She can see the shift in his eyes and she knows:
He's in some other place without her again.

She wonders if she can have a "cameo" role somewhere in his mind...
perhaps of a ghost, rattling chains to get attention.
... Yes.
... even that, would suffice.

Hay Buhay..

Hay buhay nga naman... na-miss kong makinig sa Sugarfree.. ^___^




"O kay hirap din palang hanapin ang iyong sarili
Sa isang mundong laging nagmamadali
Sa kakahabol ay tuluyan nang napagod at napa-upo
Naisip ko nang sumuko.. Dahil nakita niyo na akong sumablay,
Narinig mo na ang puso kong bumigay..
Hay buhay, hay buhay, hay buhay nga naman"

Dream Wedding Daw.. xD

Dahil tinutulungan ko ang aking bestfriend sa kanyang wedding preparations, hindi ko din maiwasang kahit paano'y planuhin din ang mga gusto ko sa aking future wedding.

"NATURE". Yun ang theme na gusto ko sa kasal namin since mahilig kami pareho ni Mac0ie sa kalikasan. With that ay naisip kong gawing lime green and brown ang motif. Excited kong ibinalita ito kay Mac0ie.

AKO: Mahal!!! may naisip na akong motif sa kasal natin!
MAC0IE: Talaga? Ano?
AKO: Di ba hilig natin ang nature?
MAC0IE: Oo mahal. What do you have in mind?
AKO: Lime Green and Brown.
MAC0IE: Hmmm.. Gusto ko din yan! :D
AKO: Yeheeyy!
MAC0IE: Anu-ano pa po ba ang plans mo sa wedding natin, mahal?

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagdi-discuss ng dream wedding ko. Mula sa invitation ideas, sa aking gown, sa entourage, souvenirs. Siyempre, pati na din sa honeymoon. At dahil dream wedding ito ay napapansin kong pinagpapawisan na si Mac0ie sa laki ng magagastos namin kung sakali. Nang sa wakas ay tinanong ko ang opinion niya kung saan magandang ganapin ang wedding reception....

MAC0IE: Tamang tama mahal! Meron akong alam na lugar na Lime green and Brown din ang theme! Sakto sa motif natin.
AKO: (excited) Talaga?! :D
MAC0IE: Uu, mahal.
AKO: Saan???
MAC0IE: Dyan.. Sa bahay niyo.

** Acheche! **

Hahahha! mmmmmwaaaah! :D

Two Touching Commercials

I just would like to share with you two of the most touching TVCs I've ever stumbled into on Youtube.

FIRST TVC: "Funeral"

"In the end, it's these small things that you remember.. little imperfections that make them perfect for you."




SECOND TVC: "Gramp Chew" from Thai Insurance. ( this made me cry... )

Three Trains in One Night

Three trains have pulled out on me... all in one night.

The first train was not in my power to stop.
The other two had thrown me out of its windows.
... And I know I am yet to hit the ground.

I had been there.
And the ground had once provided me with a rocky surface..
cold and hard.. but had cradled me just the same.

The ground and I are friends now.
So there is nothing to fear, right..?

Salome

He loves her.
Though she can’t figure out why.

Was it the way she writes him love notes
on the torn pages of her diary?
the tiny hearts she drew on his bare back
with her fingertips?
Or was it the way she speaks to him
in her tiny sing-song voice
saying how she loves him?

He loves her.
Though she can’t figure out why.

Because she is anything but beautiful…
Just a mess of badly sketched lines, painful to the eyes..
She cannot see beauty in the poorly drawn veins
beneath her sandpaper skin.
Or in the monotonous pattern of pores
in her face.

But he does.

And he loves her.
Even if she can’t figure out why.



NOTE: Salome is a character in one of my yet to be written novel.

Only In Your Reflection

I had a dream… In it, you were a cool, clear lake in the deepest heat of summer.

After long hours of watching, I saw myself moving slowly to your banks… In a movement as fluid, as impossible as being captured as mercury, I stepped into you and moved smoothly into your depths…

With your coolness enveloping me, I felt all my anxieties and disquiet sloughed away and swirled into the current to disappear… I drifted downward until I lay buried inside you, like a jewel from some treasure lost in a storm…

In your unmarred reflection, I saw myself… I ran my hand over to the curves of my face as if I were made of the finest silk… For it is only in your reflection that I see myself this beautiful, this happy, this loved…

How safe you were, how still and comforting…

It is here, deep in the warm interior of my dream that I belong… Here, in the soul of a man so sweet and deep and loving.

You Really Do Come True...

Sorry for the randomness (not to mention the cheesiness) of this short entry, I just really need to write this down.

For years, this simple dream had been secretly nestling in my heart of hearts: To walk in a crowded place with the love of my life holding my hand, beaming with pride, proclaiming to the world that he is proud of me… and of being seen with me. A narrow-minded wish for some.. but I know those who know me through and through would understand why.

Insecurity is an ugly gaping hole in my personal package that cannot seem to be filled, not even with years of being in some of my relationships. So I gave up hope.

But now, looking at you smiling at me while holding my hand in a crowded place, makes me re-assess my notion of having-a-dream-come-true.

For you don’t look proud with your hand in mine…

…you look happy… contented… and at home…

Yes, happy… not just to be seen with me. But happy that you are with me…

Now I know, without a shadow of doubt:

Dreams… you really do come true.

Is The Grass Really Greener on The Other Side?

One of my articles published in the Love Section of Starbuzz Magazine April 2006.. =)

Fairy tale romances usually go like Boy meets girl. Boy and Girl fall in love. Then what usually follows is the line, “and they live happily ever after.” But more often than not, there is another, more complicated side of the story. Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl fall in love. Then, Boy meets another Girl who seems to be way cooler (or hotter, for that matter) than the other Girl or vice versa.

To always want more, is part of being human. Somehow, we are seldom contented or satisfied with what we have. Remember the saying that the “grass is always greener on the other side”? In some ways, the other side seems so tempting, evoking in us the desire to stray.

One article about infidelity explained it best. "Even if you're in a good relationship that offers you lots of X, if someone comes along who offers Y, you take the X for granted, and the Y starts to look really good."

Because we’ve been so accustomed to having the Xs around, we tend to forget its real value.

Oftentimes, the beginnings of infidelity may seem innocent. Many affairs started with a “just friends” status. They are people who are already threading on dangerous slopes without even realizing it. The thing becomes insidious.

Gradually and unnoticeably, their emotions change. They have already crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love before even noticing that there was a line. It has already put them in situations they originally didn’t intend to fall into.

And because they are overwhelmed and drawn by this new and exciting feeling, which is a far cry from the “routine” relationship with their partner, fantasy takes over. They begin to view this “other” person as someone who is sweeter, wittier and better.

Infidelity maybe brought about by a skewed perception of love. We sometimes have this misguided notion of an ideal relationship. We want our partners to be “everything we wish them to be”. And if they fail to meet our expectations, we begin to feel a little disillusioned about the connection.

However, we should bear in mind that there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Even we, ourselves aren’t perfect. Also, there is no relationship where ALL our needs will be met satisfactorily. When we are not that happy in our current relationship, it is wiser to evaluate ourselves first before evaluating our significant other, especially for those who are married already.

We should, every now and then, ask ourselves if we truly deserve our partners and vice versa. Can it be possible that we are just bored because everything seems predictable and familiar already? And we are attracted to another because of the “new relationship feel” that comes with it?

If we are looking for someone to be flirty with, perhaps, if we would only try, we can still be flirty with our original partners. Instead of looking away, why not try to look toward our partners for our needs? Trying to re-romanticize the whole relationship may make it work the second time around. Think back to what turned us on when we first met them. Doing so can help us re-awaken dying embers. Perhaps this should be a basic rule in loving someone: Never forget why we fell in love with him/her in the first place.

For starters, flirt with the real partner. Try to blow them a kiss that nobody else sees, wink at them from across the room, hold hands, tickle their sides and pinch their cheeks every now and then. Let us do our parts to keep the relationship alive.

If only we will start to focus on things that our partners possess rather than on things they lack, we may realize that what we had with partner number two may just be a diversion of love, not love itself.

If all else fails and if the relationship was not meant to be, you will at least know that you really did your best. Plus you will learn lessons that can help you build a better connection with a new partner, the one that you truly deserve.

When Love is Not Enough

one of my articles published on Starbuzz Magazine way back 2006

You love him so much. You see to it that he can always rely on you in times of need. And you’re willing to do everything to make your relationship work. So how come it seems that all your efforts and sacrifices are still not enough? Why does it feel that amidst the cuddlings that you share, there seems to be the skeleton truth that something is wrong?

There are moments that he appears to be distant. Every now and then, his problems get the better of him and off he trails to an invisible wall—far from your reach. It hurts to constantly see him in pain. And it hurts even more, to know you cannot make it go away. No matter how you try, your love for him cannot battle with his inner conflicts. And eventually, you find yourself the one to blame for not being able to make him happy. The way he relies solely on you is affecting you too much already. You cannot help but hate yourself for not being enough.

If you feel like this, then you are missing the whole point. Open your eyes, the relationship is not healthy anymore. And the fact that he keeps turning to you to save him proves that he needs you more than he loves you. You know that.

You’ve tried your best and yet he’s still not happy. You still hold on, because you believe that if you let go, you will be taking away your happiness. But the question is, are you really happy? Or are you just scared that if you let go, he will fall apart?

Like him, you have feelings too. You have your own sets of problem to face. You’re not helping him by solving his problems. You’re only making him depend on you more. The more you do that, the more you’re destroying yourselves and the thing that was both of you. And what sense would that make? To ruin two lives?

Helping him but hurting yourself in the process, is absurd. Yes, love is giving. But it doesn’t mean locking yourself into the role of the “giver”. One can only do so much to help, but one has to also know when to stop and finally accept the fact that you’re not what he needed. And his happiness, the one you tried so hard to give him, will be best discovered without you.

The Cat That No Longer Hiss or Meow

A cat. That’s what my friends have always likened me into. Frail and meek, wild and proud, both phrases true depending upon the situation… I love being cat-like with its adventurous disposition…

But you never liked cats… at least not in the way you love dogs… Unlike cats that often stray from the borders, you loved dogs for their sweet and dependable nature…

And I love you… and the way you loved trained dogs…

So mustering courage, I joined the dogs even with my tiny cat feet… All traces of cat pride, gone… Listening to your orders as if they were prayers… “Sit,” “Roll over,” “Fetch.”

Flawlessly imitating each dog’s execution… Ridiculously wagging my tail… Waiting… for you to notice… for you to hug me like one of them… for the tiniest bit of appreciation that never came…

But I love you… so I drew closer and asked if there’s anything I can do to make you happy… You looked at me for the first time and smiled… and for a moment, it was bliss… until you spoke this line that shattered my dreams:

“Just play dead… forever.”

Ngumingiti, Kinikilig at Umaasa

Eto na naman ako… ngumingiti, kinikilig, umaasa sa bawat pagtunog ng celphone ko na mangilang linggo ding nanahimik… Kung tutuusin, dapat ay sanay na ako. Mahigit isang taon na ding ganito ang set-up natin… Magkasama tayo ngayon, pero bukas makalawa, wala ka na ulit…

Ilang linggo ka ding hindi magpaparamdam. ‘Yun ang mga linggong halos isumpa kita sa galit, mga linggong gusto kitang sumbatan kung paano mo nagagawang maging masaya habang impiyerno ang buhay ko… Mga linggong nililimot mo ang halos anim na taon nating pagsasama… mga linggong kasama mo siya…

Lagi akong tinatanong ng mga kaibigan ko… ‘Bakit niya nagagawa sa’yo ‘yan? Bakit ka pumapayag? Bakit siya pa? Bakit ang tanga mo at hindi ka pa bumibitiw?... Ngunit puro pagpatak ng luha at kibit lang ng balikat ang kaya kong isagot… Hindi ko din kasi alam. Napakarami din kasing tanong sa isip ko… Napakaraming ‘Bakit?’

Bakit nga ba sa kabila ng lahat, hindi ka maging ganap na masaya? Bakit nga ba kailangang paghanapan mo ako ng mga bagay na alam mong hindi mo naman makikita sa akin? Bakit nga ba hindi ka makuntento sa kung anong meron ako? Bakit nga ba lumilingon ka pa sa iba? Bakit nga ba..?

Sa mga linggong hindi ka nagpaparamdam, naglalabasan lahat ng mga ‘bakit?’ sa isip ko… Sa katunayan, pina-practice kong lahat ‘yan kung paano ko itatanong sa’yo sa paraang tama ang timpla: Mahinahong boses, tamang pagpili ng mga salita, tamang galaw ng mukha at kumpas ng kamay. Dapat tama din ang timing pati ang ambiance. Paulit-ulit ko ‘yang pina-practice. Practice makes perfect sabi nga nila.

Dapat kasi lahat tama… Para hindi ka magalit… para hindi ka masaktan… para malaman mo din na kahit nakasanayan na natin ang ganitong set-up, hindi ko pa din makakasanayan ang sakit… para maintindihan mo ako…

Pero siguro nga talagang engot ako pagdating sa aspetong ito ng buhay… Dahil sa tuwing bumabalik ka na galing sa matagal mong pananahimik, lahat ng prinaktis ko, ayun, nawawala. Isang ‘hi’ mo lang, lahat ng tanong, nakakalimutan. Lahat ng sama ng loob, naglalaho… Ang natitira lang, matatamis na ngiti, kilig at pag-asa…

Tulad ngayon, hawak kong muli ang celphone ko na mangilang linggo ding nanahimik… eto na naman ako… ngumingiti… kinikilig… umaasa…

Requiem

It died… No one did the killing.

It just happened… ended all by itself.

It wasn’t sudden, the demise.

In fact, it’s been dying for over a year already... and we let it…

“Save me… or kill me,” it cried out to us.

But we chose neither.

We just looked at it with unseeing eyes.

Both too busy drowning in our own private hells to dare lift a finger...

Then, a cry…

A sharp one that tells of its fall towards final things…

We both heard it… yet we remained still.

… Maybe, just maybe, we’d look at it someday…

Look at the glow, five-years-worth, that was no more…

All ashen… gone…

took everything along with it…. All the good, all the bad….

… nothing left behind…

Nothing lasting, nothing real… Nothing… Not even love…