Dreams on a Different Route

(A repost from my old tumblr account. This one's for you, Gala...)

I used to chase dreams with thundering speed. I’d have a goal and drive straight to it without slowing down or changing directions.

As I was about to reach one of my biggest dreams, things happened that eventually made it impractical for me to continue on what seems to be the surest road to my destination. There’s no one to blame though. That’s just life, happening. Now, do “what ifs” torment me..?

Yes, they do. But leaving my car stuck in the mud would never get me anywhere.

And from that particular red light, I have learned the precious secret of detours and sharp turns. A world I’d never be able to experience if i stayed on the shortest route. This road that I am in never guarantees an easy ride but no one can say this is less fulfilling.

I’d still get to my destination. Perhaps not without damaged tires. I might even get lost every now and then. But you know what? That only makes this journey more exciting. I’d get there. I’d manage. :)

From Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood

"I know I have a pretty good sense for music, but she was better than me. I used to think it was such a waste! I thought, ‘If only she had started out with a good teacher and gotten the proper training, she’d be so much further along!’ But I was wrong about that. She was not the kind of child who could stand proper training. There just happen to be people like that. They’re blessed with this marvelous talent, but they can’t make the effort to systematize it. They end up squandering it in little bits and pieces. I’ve seen my share of people like that. At first you think they’re amazing. Like, they can sight-read some terrifically difficult piece and do a damn good job playing it all the way through. You see them do it, and you’re overwhelmed. you think, ‘I could never do that in a million years.’ But that’s as far as they go. They can’t take it any further. And why not? Because they won’t put in the effort. Because they haven’t had the discipline pounded into them. They’ve been spoiled. They have just enough talent so they’ve been able to play things well without any effort and they’ve had people telling them how great they are from the time they’re little, so hard work looks stupid to them. They’ll take some piece another kid has to work on for three weeks and polish it off in half the time, so the teacher figures they’ve put enough into it and lets them go to the next thing. And they do that in half the time and go on to the next piece. They never find out what it means to be hammered by the teacher; they lose out on a certain element required or character building. It’s a tragedy."

--- somehow, reading this makes me sad.. :(

Note to Self

Come on, Gladys. Don't just appreciate. Practice!

You said you want to be a writer? Is this not your free time? Well then, why the hell aren't you writing?

Reading books won't make you a writer. Dreaming won't make you a writer. Playing Restaurant City won't make you a writer.

Write.
That's what writers do.

Three Trains in One Night

Three trains have pulled out on me... all in one night.

The first train was not in my power to stop.
The other two had thrown me out of its windows.
... And I know I am yet to hit the ground.

I had been there.
And the ground had once provided me with a rocky surface..
cold and hard.. but had cradled me just the same.

The ground and I are friends now.
So there is nothing to fear, right..?

Liligawan Kong Muli Ang Aking Pangarap

Pasensiya ka na
Kung naging duwag ako.
Ilang galos din kasi ang aking natamo
sa pilit na pag-abot sa iyo.

Pagkakamali ko nga marahil.
Kung bakit ngayo’y ang hirap mo nang abutin.
Iniluklok kita sa napakataas na pedestal.
Hindi mo naman ito hiniling.

Pero ngayo’y buo na ang loob ko
Liligawan kitang muli… susuyuin.
Pangako, patutunayan kong
Ako sayo’y karapat dapat pa rin.

Only In Your Reflection

I had a dream… In it, you were a cool, clear lake in the deepest heat of summer.

After long hours of watching, I saw myself moving slowly to your banks… In a movement as fluid, as impossible as being captured as mercury, I stepped into you and moved smoothly into your depths…

With your coolness enveloping me, I felt all my anxieties and disquiet sloughed away and swirled into the current to disappear… I drifted downward until I lay buried inside you, like a jewel from some treasure lost in a storm…

In your unmarred reflection, I saw myself… I ran my hand over to the curves of my face as if I were made of the finest silk… For it is only in your reflection that I see myself this beautiful, this happy, this loved…

How safe you were, how still and comforting…

It is here, deep in the warm interior of my dream that I belong… Here, in the soul of a man so sweet and deep and loving.

You Really Do Come True...

Sorry for the randomness (not to mention the cheesiness) of this short entry, I just really need to write this down.

For years, this simple dream had been secretly nestling in my heart of hearts: To walk in a crowded place with the love of my life holding my hand, beaming with pride, proclaiming to the world that he is proud of me… and of being seen with me. A narrow-minded wish for some.. but I know those who know me through and through would understand why.

Insecurity is an ugly gaping hole in my personal package that cannot seem to be filled, not even with years of being in some of my relationships. So I gave up hope.

But now, looking at you smiling at me while holding my hand in a crowded place, makes me re-assess my notion of having-a-dream-come-true.

For you don’t look proud with your hand in mine…

…you look happy… contented… and at home…

Yes, happy… not just to be seen with me. But happy that you are with me…

Now I know, without a shadow of doubt:

Dreams… you really do come true.

Ang Ngiti ng Isang Ikakasal

Kahapon ay ikinasal ang pinsan kong si Joluz. Hay… Kapag tinitingnan ko ang saya sa kanyang mukha, hindi ko din mapigilang mapangiti… Ang sarap sarap nga talaga siguro ng pakiramdam ng ikinakasal. Yung tipong alam mong nandoon ang pamilya at mga kaibigan mo para makiparte sa isa sa pinakamahalagang parte ng iyong buhay. At siyempre pa, nandoon sa may altar ang lalaking sumusumpang mamahalin at aalagaan ka habambuhay, kesehodang maging lumba lumba ka pa o kaya naman magmukhang palad na ang mukha mo sa dami ng age lines. Hay, ang sarap malamang may magmamahal sa iyo ng ganon… =) (*kilig kilig*)

Naalala ko din tuloy nang bumisita kami sa isang matandang simbahan sa may Pila, Laguna noong isang buwan. Kasama ko ang aking kaibigang si Mac0ie sa mga bench na di kalayuan sa simbahan. Kasalukuyan kaming nagdo-drawing, (Hehe, siya ang nagdo-drawing. Ako, nagpapanggap lang!) nang biglang tumunog ang *dambera. Nalaman naming may ikakasal pala. At dahil likas na sa amin ang pagiging usisero at usisera ay pumasok din kami sa loob ng simbahan para tingnan ang ikakasal. In fairness, ang ganda nung bride. Nagniningning ang mga mata. At yung groom? Ah eh… Hayaan niyo na lang na ang usapang ito ang magsabi para sa akin.

Mac0ie: hahaha! Ady, bakit ganyan ang ngiti mo? Daig mo pa yung bride!
Gladys: (blushing) Eh kasi… nakakahawa yung ngiti niya. Parang ang saya saya niya… parang inlove na inlove…
Mac0ie: oo nga, no? (looks at the groom) Pero bakit ganun? Yung groom parang kanina pa pinagpapawisan? Ni hindi ngumingiti?
Gladys: oo nga noh! Hmmm… baka naman kinakabahan?
Mac0ie: pwede.
Gladys: pero anong dapat ikakaba eh wala namang tumutol nang magtanong ang pari? (thinking) aha! Baka napu-pupu lang siya! Hihihi…
Mac0ie: hehe, sira! Hmmm… Baka naman di pa sawa sa pagkabinata?
(a beat) hindi kaya..?
Mac0ie and Gladys: Shotgun wedding yan?
Gladys: hahaha.. tama tama! Kaya siguro ganyan yung itsura nung groom, napilitan lang!

Opo, mukha ngang napilitan lang si groom (yun eh sa amin lang namang palagay.. hihihih). Pero ano nga bang punto ko sa pagsusulat ng blog na ito? Sa totoo lang, wala naman talaga… kung hindi isang makulit na pagmumuni muni lang na:

Tulad ng pinsan ko at ng bride na itsinismis ko sa inyo, Ganun din kaya ang ganda ng ngiti ko at ningning ng aking mga mata kapag ikinasal na ako?

(teka, ikakasal nga ba ako? Hahahah!)



*dambera- salitang inimbento ni Mac0ie na ang ibig sabihin ay kampana. Hahaha! ^__^

Hiling...

Para sa mga bituin sa langit…

Maniwala man kayo o hindi, naiintindihan ko siya… Hindi din ako kasing sama tulad ng kanyang iniisip… Lahat naman gustong maging maligaya. Hindi naman masamang maghangad nito… Nagkataon lang talaga sigurong ang bagay na hiniling niya sa inyo at ang bagay na magpapasaya sa kanya ay siya ring bagay na nagpapaligaya sa akin…

Hindi na ako magsisinungaling. Alam ko din namang hindi ko kayo maloloko… Nasaktan talaga ako nang kinuha niyo ito sa akin at ibinigay sa kanya… At inaamin kong hanggang ngayon ay nararamdaman ko pa din ang malaking kakulangang naidulot nito sa buhay ko… Pero tulad ng aking sinabi, naiintindihan ko…

Ganun naman talaga ang buhay, hindi ba? Lahat may kabayaran… Sa tuwing may natatanggap ka, may isang tao ding nawawalan…

At dahil ayoko na ding may masaktan pa sa paghiling ko sa aking pansariling kaligayahan, may isang bagay na lang akong ipapakiusap sa inyo… Hinihiling kong ibigay niyo sana ang kaligayahan ng taong matiyagang humahawak sa kamay ko habang walang sawang nakikinig at dumadamay sa aking kalungkutan… Ito lang kasi ang tangi kong magagawa para sa kanya sa ngayon… salamat...